The World That Did Not End- prophets, seers, and doomsday men

23 12 2012

So here it is, December 23rd 2012. The world is turning, life is living, and nothing fiery is falling from the sky. Where are all the prophets of The End of Time today? Sedona… they are all in Sedona. An old friend of mine, Ben Masters (one of the most brilliant and original minds I have every known), started spewing this “end of the world 2012” bullshit about fifteen years ago. I honestly was a bit excited about the oncoming end day so that I could call Benji out of the blue and say this:

Ben: Hello?

Me: Hey Benny-Boy, how are you doing?

Ben: Porter?… is that you? What’s going on?

Me: Ah, nothing, just calling because it’s the 22nd of December 2012 and the world is still here.

Ben: Oh.

Me: Oh? Oh?! That’s all you have to say to me? Oh? After more than a decade of suffering through your crazy ass theories about the end of the world and all you can say is ‘Oh’??

Ben: Well, you know, the world may still have ended. We could just be like, a simulation or something.

I wish that the conversation had gone better than that, but frankly I didn’t have anything to say. Like most prophets of bullshit, Ben was able to move the goalpost without breaking a sweat.

My favorite aspect of such doomsdayology is the full integration of crap metaphysics. Go on youtube and you can find thousands of hour long “ascension” lectures that will tell you how to deal with the “side effects” of the new era of higher existence. My favorite tries to explain the ascension into “new dimensions.” According to this prophet, humankind has dwelt in the third dimension and is now ascending through the fourth on our way to the fifth dimension. The fifth dimension is a place of accelerated spiritual and biological evolution. We will become more psychically attuned to the world around us and start to perceive the invisible realms: ghosts, angels, insert your bullshit superstition here. Now as far as I know, the fourth dimension is time (given to us via relativity), and the fifth dimension is a mathematical construct used to solve several problems in particle and astrophysics (i.e. for unifying gravity).  Of course they could be referring to the band, but I don’t think so.

Yes, I hate new age pseudo religion/philosophy. I’ve been to Sedona, the Vatican of New Age touchy feelyism. I’m still trying scrub off the skank off of me.

Look at me... I can see the future!!!

Look at me… I can see the future!!!

 

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