So today is the last day… ever. I want to go into oblivion with a clear conscious so here, in order of importance, are my apologies to people I’ve wronged. I want to say I’m sorry too…
10. …those guys from Illinois that I met at the bottom of the grand Canyon. I popped your raft and took a leak in your camel packs. I’m a redhead and my legs resemble the milky flesh of a girl that took a three day swim in the bottom of a river before resurfacing to a crowd of permanently scarred kids fishing on the bank, and you noticed their color- over and over again. I should have let nature take its course. After all, you were terrible people and I’m sure the annoyance I caused you was nothing compared to the jagged disappointments that life made you swallow in the years since.
9. …the girl from the HR firm that had the crush on me. You were a reasonable, lovely person. I enjoyed the dates we went on. I have never stopped admiring your grasp of The Legend of Zelda. We met during a period in my life when I was really into vapid, shallow, silly people and did not yet appreciate the power of dating a girl that shared my taste in video gaming.
8. …Orson Scott Card. I still think your summery of me as a “liberal douche-bag” was unfair, but what I did was just uncivilized. I hope the smell came out.
7. …the lady renting the beach house in St. Augustine. There is no excuse for what I did. You simply asked us not to park where we were parked. The fact that you yelled that the end of that street was not some sort of “scenic overlook” while we were standing beside the sign that said “scenic overlook” was surely just a result of you not wearing your glasses. Cramming, stuffing and threading three pounds of squid into and around every inch of your car is just no way to behave.
6. …all the citizens of my home county. Though many of you have informed me that I embarrassed our county on national television, I still feel like I owe you all an apology. I suppose I just thought it was PBS, and nobody from my hometown watches PBS. I was very wrong. I stand behind my statements- they were all true- but in retrospect I should have followed the example of my fellow BCians and just said nothing at all.
5. …Stephen Hawking. The “you’re taller in person” remark was uncalled for. I appreciate you laughing, but we all knew you were just being polite.
4. …the labor union movement in Kentucky. I’m not an enemy of unions. Did I do a lot to kill their development in Kentucky? Yes I did. Do I feel bad about it? I’m on a break, but when I come back on the answer will be yes.
3. …the meth cooks in that lab out the old Brooklyn School Road. I called them.
2. …Peter Jackson. Your heart was in the right place. Your head… well, that is debatable. I have been talking shit about you for nearly a decade, and for what? So you trounced on one of the most beloved books of my young life. Who cares. I should thank you. Your over-saturation of the world with all-things-Tolkien made me stop reading the books long enough to discover “A Game of Thrones.”
1. …Jack White. I was so stoked about opening up for your band. You seemed really cool. You still owe me 800 dollars you asshole. No, this is not an apology. I’m still pissed at you, and yeah, I stole your amp.
The Science of Fiction.