Oklahoma City: Sunday afternoon was warm and pleasant, the type of mid-autumn day where summer is more than just a memory, winter less than a shadow in the back of the mind. The perfect day for a group of preteens in the Warr Acres neighborhood to engage in their favorite pass time- wizarding. But as the eight children (ages 9-13) gathered in the local park last Sunday afternoon they had no clue that winter was indeed coming.
“They just came out of nowhere, all of the sudden. I was in the middle of casting this sweet Confundus Charm at Alex when these guys dressed all in black rode up on their horses and started kicking the crap out of us with swords,” said Shawn Theodore Ransdell, 12 of Warr Acres. A man that lives near the park but wished to remain anonymous confirmed that the attackers were indeed dressed all in black, but that their horses looked more like a collection of Huffies, Schwinns, and Treks, and that their swords were mostly broom handles.
“I totally nailed this one guy with an Avada Kedavra, and he like totally ignored it. Next thing I know he is hitting me in the head and yelling ‘With long-claw I smite at thee!’ and that is totally unfair because I hit him with one of the unforgivables and I’m like totally not supposed to use those.” said Ashley Tinsdale, 10 also of Warr Acres.
Local police seem baffled by the attack, but one expert, Todd Loomis, owner of Castle Games and Books, has put forward a theory. “It’s obvious that these were members of the Night’s Watch. You can tell by their black dress and the presence of Long Claw, the sword of the Lord Commander.” He went on to say that the Night’s Watch is a celibate brotherhood that “defends the realms of men.” His appraisal was reinforced by Warr Acres peeping tom and park bully Steve Higdon who stated that the black clad riders were, “a bunch of nerd-ass virgins.”
Yet questions remain in what might be a new wave of cross-series attacks. Police are remaining on alert for further attacks against young would-be Hogwartonians. “When I first heard the call from dispatch I thought, ‘oh hell, the Wring Wraiths are back.’ We had a real time keeping those Nazgul off of the kids with wands back about ten years ago. With Return of the King sucking so bad I thought we had it all behind us, but from what I hear HBO is doing a real good job with its new series and that just means more broken bones and bruises in the future.” said Chett Knightly, Warr Acres public safety officer. He went on to say, “You know it’s really a shame when a group from a fantasy series gets preyed upon by another group from a more aggressive fantasy series. Personally, I don’t think we’ll see an end to it until there is a new Star Wars franchise. After all, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.”
The Science of Fiction (it’s all fiction)