So it is 10202010. I turned thirty-four today. Which is really strange because only two things have happened that I had planned… you know, as far as big plans go. Big plans are a little ridiculous anyway, we take what we can get when we can get it. I was sitting in a bar in downtown philly tonight after an afternoon looking at dinosaurs in the natural history museum and while I was sitting there I alone, I realized that life has a body count. We leave people behind. At least I have. I’ve left a lot of people behind. I think I’m done with that. There was a girl sitting across from me and as I watched her typing on her laptop I realized that my old friend Tony Bailey would find her so beautiful. I didn’t find her attractive at all, but he had a way of thinking of our greatest imperfections as rarities that made us both unique and special. He loved the flawed and the foul with so much enthusiasm that just being with him, being loved by such a fire, made you warm down to your toes. I miss my friend. I wonder if I am going to miss this person until I am an old man whose experience has long since passed all understanding that my long dead friend could ever have had. But really, we don’t make people so much as they make us. Phillip K. Dick said, “Death makes us so heavy, so great passing understanding of the living. Death is living out of all proportion. Every word shakes the world.” I don’t think I will ever get to a point where I don’t mourn that that person is not in the world. To see every flaw as a rarity.
Tired, sad, happy. Birthday. 10202010.