The List: Your ‘sexiest’ men of sci-fi

This is your list. You all made it. I had something like three-hundred votes and crunched them with a very strange formula, but I think it’s scientific, or at least witch doctorific. In the end I had to change the list length as many of you were… adamant about your choices and I felt that excluded them at my peril.

A few guys would have scored higher (or at all) had splits not occurred. Johnny Depp split even between three characters and lost out, Will Smith did the same and slipped from the top ten. I want to tell all of you that thought this was a list of Star Trek’s sexiest men, I’m sorry, I booted your list past your number one (which was never Riker. Why?). Don’t worry, I got almost no lists that didn’t have a star trek franchise face in it.  And you Dr. Who people, I understand Baker and Tennant (Baker just missed with Obi Wan), but Paul McGann? Did you fall in love with his voice? He’s the George Lazenby of Dr. Who’s! The Doctor would have scored #2 or #3 easy had I not decided that each Doctor incarnation represents a different character, just as I don’t recognize episodes 1,2 or 3 of Star Wars as things with a legitimate right to existence.  A last not on character splits. Star Trek main franchise charactors were split from their recent Star Trek movie characters. This was because of very specific instructions on which ‘Spock’ or ‘Kirk’ you wanted, and I’m just that arbitrary.  One vote getter gets special mention as he/it would have come in in the top 20. We’ll give that award after the list.

So, here is your

Thirty-Five Sexiest Men of Science Fiction

#35 Old Starbuck- the blond bomber that Lorne Green loved. We wouldn’t have our beloved BSG without the original Battlestar Gallactica, and Dirk Benedict was a fine Starbuck… but a better

Ash shops s-mart

Face

#34 Ash- He went to rural Kentucky with his friends and then spent the rest of his life ass deep in Sumerian Darkness.  Watch how Ash goes from a sort of serious romantic lead in Evil Dead to the comic lead of Evil Dead 2. You got to love Bruce Campbell.

Yul as ToasterLook at me... I'm so sexy.

#32 Bones- Deforest Kelley. It wasn’t just the all trek lists that put him in. I tried and tried to find the photo of him from The Motion Picture in full seventies regalia with a gold medallion, but alas it was not to be had.

#31 Alex Rogan, the last starfighter- Another surprise. This skinny, curly haired hunk of trailer park anti-machismo pilots his way through Tron like computer animation with style and grace.

#30 Mad Mardigan- Saving little people isn’t just a hobby for the co-hero of Willow, it’s his job. As he said, he is the greatest swordsmen that ever lived.

#29 Old Apollo- Had I combined the Tom Zarek votes with Richard

Our numbers 35 (on left) and 29

Hatch’s Apollo votes he would have been further up the list. I like that he outpaced old Starbuck. He has those smiling eyes.

#28 Lt. Cmndr. Data- Brent Spiner portrayed this most emotionally unavailable of all men.

Mirrors, we don't need no stinkin' mirrors.

#27 Dr. David Bowmen (Dave)- The only survivor of Hal’s ‘little glitch’ in 2001: A Space Odyssey mesmerized you with those big blues, and they looked really creepy on a space fetus. Actor Keir Dullea had the good sense to age in reality exactly like his character in 2001 did.

Dave tries to fix a very bad case of Y2K

#26 Jareth, The Goblin King- You people are weird. You could see David Bowie’s balls through his leotard for christsake! His balls, his gross ass glam rock English balls. Eeeeewwww. I still know all the songs from Labyrinth by heart. (I saw my baby…)

...because you can see his junk, through his jumpsuit.

#25 New Bones- Whatever, he was good, but he was no Deforest Kelley

You decided

#24 Del Spooner- Here is your Will Smith. His character from I, Robot won the race, but he gets honorable mention for like four other movies. Bleh.

#23 Spike- Thank god it wasn’t Angel. Spike, of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer fame, played by very non-English James Marsters was the real ‘bad boy’ of that series. Demon, murderer, rapist… what the hell is wrong with you people? Well at least it wasn’t that mamby pamby Angel. Look for Marsters in upcoming episodes of Caprica on that network that puts out the Birdsnake movies.

Screw Angel

#22 Q- Played by the venerable talent John De Lancie, Q has pestered the Star Trek franchise since TNG. He apparently pestered his way into your hearts.

#21 Kyle Reese- The scrappy future lad that comes back in time to knock up his waitress girlfriend. A prototype of the later era ‘scrappy none body building’ sci fi action heroes that would proliferate after the 80′s.

He kidnapped Sarah Conner, then stole her heart.

#20 Spock (Nemoy)- Yet another emotionally unavailable man, er Vulcan… mix. With that mind meld he can really find out where you like it, but he don’t do that shit.

The likeness is uncanny Captain

#19 Connor Macleod- Legions of young boys wanted to be just like him.  Christopher Lambert’s version of the Scottish accent was… very French, but we love him anyway.  There can be only one! (and in the case of the movie Highlander, there only should have been)

He wants to know if your cruising for a piece of ass.

#18 Giles- The watcher, of Buffy fame. I would never have guessed this one. Giles, good ‘ol Giles. Daddy issues anyone? Anthony Head of coffee commercial fame does kick mo ass. His brother sang that song, “One Night in Bangkok,” which also kicks mo ass.

He will be your father figure.

#17 Donnie Darko- I should have guessed this one. Brooding but kind, the hyper intelligent outsider was a model for masculinity post Smells Like Teen Spirit.

How hot is he? He's sooo hot...

#16 Jim 28 days later- Cillian Murphy would not be nearly so sexy if you’d seen him in the movie Breakfast on Pluto. Well, maybe I’m wrong there. Jim, our ‘Adam’ of this not-quite zombie flick is yet another example of the anti social anti hero that becomes modern sci-fi. He got a lot of votes for his character in Sunshine too.

Sandwiched betwixt Lucy Lawless and Tricia Helfer. Is there anything he can't do?

#15 Gaius Fraking Baltar- Now here is one of my favorites. The chicken shouldered, sunken chested academic turned schizo turned prophet may seem at first like a nervous, twitching, pill popping ego maniac, and he is. And he wears really bad pin striped zoot suits in the beginning.

#14 The Doctor (Tennant edition)- David Tennant’s incarnation of The Doctor, gives us a time lord with a dash more zaz than his predecessors. His boyish charm and wicked smile make him BRILLIANT!

Right!!

#13 New Kirk- I think this sucks

#12 Mr. Anderson- Call him Neo, call him savior, call him Keanu Reeves. The Christ of The Matrix, is actually pretty darn cool, and you can make fun of him now, but back then in the late nineties when that shit dropped, you were scraping your jaw off the theater floor.

#11 Karl “Helo” Agathon- The toughest Raptor pilot, father, square

An out of character moment

jawed badass. Helo got seduced by a Sharon and spent the next four seasons showing us what happens when a man loves a toaster.

#10 Lee “Apollo” Adama- I was worried he wasn’t going to make the top ten, but he did. Lee was the son of The Old Man, which meant that his mother must have been the palest anglo of all time. It doesn’t matter, Lee was a CAG, a lawyer for Dr. Baltar, and the vice-president of the 12 colonies. Him and Duala was like a chocolate-vanilla sexy sandwich.

Viper pilot to vice presidentI will protect your baby.

#9 Theo Faron- Children of Men star, Clive Owen is an activist turned bureaucrat that cries believably and makes jump starting a car the most exciting and nail biting act of film history. Moody, funny and sweet, he also does that ping pong ball thing with Juliana Moore.

#8 New Spock- Zachary Quinto looks right and sounds right. I just don’t think he’s better than the original (in his green eye shadow). But you voted and here he is. New Spock, picked over Spock Classic in three out of four taste tests, but if you ask me, New Spock is still just Pepsi.

You made a better Satan.

#7 Aragorn- The only Lord of the Rings placement. The two hundred year old ranger, chief of the Dunedain, the last flower of Westernesse- Avalonne the down fallen, kinsmen from afar of Elrond the half-elven and of that line, child of Earendil the most blessed mariner with Silmaril on his brow. Or just Vigo Mortensen with a bunch of scruff.

#6 Mal- The roughish lover is also a fighter as he pilots his beat up old ship through dangers from an indifferent and often evil central government, trying to keep his charges from falling into their hands. Sure he could go it alone and probably stay out of trouble, but these castaways and rejects have become his family.  I love Han Solo, er, I mean Mal. Veteran of Serenity Valley, Captain of a Firefly.

You never see them in the same place our #2 left and #6 right

#5 The Kirk- and I don’t mean the mother flippin’ Scottish Kirk either. The, James TIBERIUS Kirk. We forget what a powerhouse Canadian sex monkey this guy was sometimes, but lest you forget, he will remind you. It’s nice to see a reappreciation of Kirk. Ten years ago I think Spock would have been in #5 and Kirk at #20.

"Piiiicaaaaaarddd!"

#4 Fox ‘Spooky’ Mulder- Good looking sure, but the show went to

You've seen enough of David Duchovny

great pains to show Spooky’s geek side, including his overuse of phone sex numbers. Best Mulder Moment: Vampire in his motel room and he’s drugged, reaches to the nightstand as he’s going out and instead of grabbing his gun, he grabs a bag of sunflower seeds to throw. (vampires are compulsive counters, that episode featured a young Luke Wilson.)

#3 Jean Luke Picard- The single most disturbing choice on the list. Not because the erudite and cultured captain doesn’t deserve to be here, but because this was the only pick that my voters actually told me what they wanted to do to him. It didn’t just happen once! It happened LOTS OF TIMES. WTF!

Eat your heart out Raquel Welch

#2 Han Solo- I’ll quote Maggie for this one, “He had me at, ‘I know.”

And the number one sexiest man of all time is………….

#1 Lando Calrissian- I mean that mother looks at Leia and says, “Hello, What have we here.” and see I didn’t put a question mark on that because IT WAS NOT A QUESTION. What kind of man can turn a line like- ‘it would be safer for you if you were to stay here where I work’ into “You truly belong here with us among the clouds.”

Gambler, Card Player, Scoundrel- You like him!

The honorable mention I want to make is to the HAL 9000 computer which got several votes. I don’t know why, but it did. I didn’t put it on the list because it lacks even an assumable gender, despite Dave and Dr. Poole calling it a he. Hal got no… ram… so to speak. But he gets mentioned.

The computer made up entirely of 'Naughty Bits'

That is all.

The Science of Fiction begs your forgiveness for this exercise and thanks you all for your votes.

Andrew C. Porter                                                                                                                             Oft overlooked Deputy admin of Bespin Mining Facility

Next: Origins Part 1, How I got into sci-fi.